Saturday, February 11, 2012

This is why I hate book-movies.

The Twilight Saga.  The Hunger Games.  And now Beautiful Creatures.  All books or series that have been or are going to be made into movies.   The hype is unbelievable. (Well, not for Beautiful Creatures.  That's not quite as well-known, for excellent reasons.)

I think everyone knows Hollywood is struggling.  And I personally don't mind lots of books being made into movies, if the people making them have proper respect for their sources. (That doesn't mean I want my book-movies EXACTLY LIKE THE BOOK!! but that's another rant.)  I love books, and there are hundreds of amazing, engaging stories out there.

So why doesn't Hollywood use them instead of picking out the stupidest, most boring chick fluff on the market?

Okay, okay, The Hunger Games is no chick fluff (mostly).  But it's not the best thing since sliced bread.  Katniss is annoying, the violence isn't gory but it's self-indulgent, and aaaaaauuugh, de Wuv Twiangle!  Must every girl have at least two guys hanging on her every selfish word now?


I have a list of books that deserve to be made into movies.  Hollywood, listen up.

1. Ranger's Apprentice series
Action!  Adventure!  Blood!  An awesome old grumpy mentor!  What's not to like about RA?  And, Hollywood, it's got ten books.  Sequel material!

I've actually heard whisperings of an RA movie, but that was ages ago, so it's might have been dropped.  I'd enjoy any recent interviews/snippets about it, though.

(Oh.  And if it does get made into a movie, Hollywood, please get Jeremy Irons to be Halt.  I BEG OF YOU.)

2. Artemis Fowl series
You know the whole villains-as-heroes thing that's going on?  Artemis fits the bill perfectly.  With fairies and technology.  It's James Bond in Wonderland.  Or... something.  Anyway.

Seriously, after ages of this series being insanely popular, it should be a movie already.  I guess finding a convincingly evil twelve-year-old could be difficult.  Asa Butterfield was kinda creepy as Morderd on Merlin, but he's not the Artemis type.  Oh well.

But really.  I'd pay twenty dollars to see this movie.  With some great CGI affects, it could be epic.

3.  The Sisters Grimm series
Fairytales are in, too, Hollywood.

This series is definitely a younger series, but if the movies got a little more grown-up - not a lot, just draw the characters more complexly, cut down the corny humor, make things a bit more terrifying.  Like How To Train Your Dragon, really.  Epic movie that came out of epic-but-sixth-grade-oriented books.  It's possible.

4. Children of the Red King series
Maybe a Charlie Bone movie would be pretty tacky coming straight off the heels of Deathly Hallows: Part 2, but in a year or two, I bet a lot of people would flock to see some more 'magical academy' stories - for instance, people with HP withdrawal.  Like me.

And again, sequels, Hollywood!  And they just keep getting better. (I haven't finished the series yet, but I'm close.)  The characters are interesting, and the 'endowed' idea is just fun.

5. The Bartimaeus Trilogy
Okay.  The best YA series of its kind - what kind that is, I'm not sure; maybe urban fantasy? alternate reality? somethin' - as a movie?  With the snarkiest djinni and the rottenest little magician you've ever met as co-stars?

As Bartimaeus would say: I ask you.  BEST. MOVIE. EVER.

True, I can imagine about a hundred things that might get lost in translation, due to Bartimaeus's amazing inner monologue and those delightful little footnotes.

But, if the movie didn't take itself too seriously, they could find ways to put it in there.  As long as it did take itself seriously sometime.  So, if they found a way to balance the humor with the darkness... Harry Potter, meet you maker.


So can you tell what I like to read/watch?   Yeah, lots of those are very similar.  Well, they're sending out a ton of similar teen romance movies and faux-angsty action movies now.  Might as well start a new trend!

Really, the best stories are in the kids' books.  Take my word for it.  You too, Hollywood.  Try looking for stories somewhere besides a Twihard's bookshelf for once.

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